We went trick-or-treating on Halloween with Abel. Since he too young to know what candy is, let alone eat it, he was basically just a prop designed to get his parents a bag full of candy. A cute, monkey-suited prop. He had fun, though.
Anyway, we've been eating the candy since we got home that night, and it is fair to say that I am thoroughly disappointed. It was one bag of Skittles, a few Sweet Tarts, and like a billion chocolate bars. I think chocolate is fine, but what's up with almost everyone in the neighborhood distributing it exclusively? At Halloween, I want candy, not chocolate. How many Snickers bars can a man eat before he wants a nice bag of chewy Spree? Why am I doomed to dig through endless brown wrappers, only to be let down by the disappearance of the only tube of Smarties?* I'd even settle for a Jolly Rancher at this point.
Please, homeowners, think of the children. Have some variety in your candy basket. If Halloween were a holiday for menopausal women, you'd have gotten it just right this year. But it's not. I say again, think of the kids.
And while I'm making blanket appeals, here's one for the Reese's** corporation: please, I beg you, stop tinkering with the peanut butter cup. I think you pretty much nailed it on the first try, so quit making it inside out, or white, or dark, or whatever the hell else you might want to try to do to it in time to annoy me next Halloween. It's a milk chocolate cup with a peanut butter center. Stop screwing around!
Okay. Back to my story. Tonight, I grabbed two pieces from the candy dish and plopped down in front of the TV to watch a few episodes of Arrested Development Season Two on DVD. I took a Milky Way and a Dum-Dum lollipop, figuring I could wash down the chocolatiness with the hard candy of the lollipop. I chomped down the Milky Way and lazily unwrapped the Dum-Dum, popping it in my mouth just as the first episode got underway. When I tasted it, I almost spat it out.
It was a chocolate-flavored lollipop.
*The American kind, of course. Canadians, in an apparent effort to prove their state of national goofiness, have a different kind of Smarties, which naturally are made of chocolate.
**"Reese's," it should be pointed out, rhymes with "pieces," which is an unhelpful tip since most people who mispronounce "Reese's" also mispronounce "pieces" immediately thereafter.
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9 comments:
Good call on the Reese's bit. What the crap is up with that?
Furthermore, I was in my apartment until 9:30 on All Hallow's Eve. Nobody rang my doorbell. You at least have a variety of chocalte. I have a polemical ten thousand Reese's mini peanut butter cups (normal kind).
When I stop laughing hysterically...
Maybe people would get the message that you need GIANT Halloween treats if GIANT trick-or-treaters came to the door? Or maybe we'd be too afraid to open the door? Cute monkey suit, though! Very cute!
Still laughing!
Oh wait, your were talking about chocolate, something besides chocolate...
Ha ha ha, I would love to be in your shoes. To me, candy is all ABOUT chocolate. The hard syrupy kind is not yummy to me. Remember the endless candy trades we used to have (that Dad had to OK so that you wouldn't rip me off)? I can pretty much guarantee I traded all my lollipops and Mary Janes for your candy bars.
By the way, we gave out Jolly Rancher lollipops. Shoulda rang our bell. :)
In defense of those of us who handed out snickers-
There was a time, five or six years ago, when I made a sincere and thoughtful effort to provide a diverse candy selection. Every November first, I would find myself laden with more smarties, pixie sticks, sugar daddys, dots and saf-t pops than any one household can comfortably eat in a year. At first I thought I was simply buying too MUCH candy, but several years of experimentation with my purchasing formula failed to reduce the number of fruity, caramely, or chalky treats left in the bowl the next morning. The kids ALWAYS take all the chocolate and leave the rest for us to suffer for seven or eight months.
Give the people what they want, si?
As a side note, I REFUSE to put any effort into my candy assortment if the children are not going to put any effort into their costumes. I had four (!!!!) trick or treaters before I got one in a costume. My very first trick or treater of the evening didn't even say trick or treat. He told me he didn't want to wear his costume. I asked him why he was attempting to mug me for chocolate, to which he responded with a shrug and an outstretched hand. I eventually resorted to giving uncostumed children political pop quizzes. The under tweleve sets default answer for everything political is "Hillary Clinton".
This is an entertaining and moderately depressing game to play with large groups of children. Try it!
Once again, I have to disagree. Reese's (pronounced "ree'sees") got it right the third time (second invention was "pee'sees") when they made Reese's peanut butter eggs. These are WAY better than the cups -- those pointy little cup edges spoil the silky smoothness. I also like Reese's Christmas trees, Halloween pumpkins, and Valentine hearts, but the eggs are the best. One of the best commercials of all time was the one were two "fertile crescent" types accidently discovered the wonderful chocolate peanut butter mix and said, "Let's go tell Noah." Then it started to rain and they said, "Let's wait till it stops raining." Voiceover guy: "And so the world would have to wait for the great taste of Reese's..."
I'm with you, rubystheory on the pitiful costumes. Candy quality is always directly linked to costume quality when you come to my house. I'd give Bill Gates candy, but he's got to have on something.
How come nobody passes out Mary Jane anymore? When my kids give me their first fruits (also called the "dad tax") I always take the Mary Jane.
One more thing. Don't you hate Twix? Tastes like (feels like) chewing gum and eating potato chips at the same time.
How is it that even though my children went trick-or-treating with your child, my children's bags are at least 1/3 non-chocolate? I'm riffling through them now... we have Laffy Taffy, Twizzlers, caramels, Skittles, lollipops, pretzels, non-chocolate Tootsie Rolls, bubble gum, smarties, Nerds, peanut chews, toffees, Creme Savers... even a bag of Cheetos! (which Jaron proclaimed to be "health food", but that's another story). Sounds to me like you two just don't know how to barter correctly at the front door.
I'm still laughing...so if laughter is good medicine then Halloween must be the healthiest holiday of the whole year!
i have an infinite capacity for snickers, so send them my way. Also, i don't know why you were so dissappointed when you couldn't find the rockets, seriously, i'm disappointed when i cross the border and find smarties to be "advil flavored empty calories" - great delivery with the choclate lollipop though. serves you right, you should join the guy selling hotdogs and get some numbers for even thinking you'd enjoy a lollipop.
(p.s. vs. is better ;) )
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